I Eulogized My Dad 3 Weeks Ago Today

I am glued to the television watching Teddy Kennedy's funeral. My Dad's was also in a Catholic Church: St Dorothy's at 10AM. The Knights of Peter Klaver opened with a decorous ceremony. Fr Bob officiated. I wrote and read Dad's obit and delivered his eulogy.

3 weeks ago today.........................

May Dad Rest In Peace.

see my eulogy remarks here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aJ2ToZn6nY

Nursing Home Compare Tool

The AARP just posted an article by Dr. Carolyn Clancy advising us about a helpful new tool for caregiver planning. Here is the article:

In January the federal Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services unveiled a new tool called Nursing Home Compare (see this link)

http://www.medicare.gov/NHCompare/Include/DataSection/Questions/ProximitySearch.asp?bhcp=1

You can use this tool to look up nursing homes in your area by name, city, county, state or ZIP code.

The tool provides information on nursing homes that have been approved to take patients insured by Medicare and Medicaid. It assigns ratings to nursing homes based on reviews of how many and what type of staff members they have, how well the homes perform on health inspections and how they rank on quality measures.

Each nursing home is given a star rating (from one to five) for its performance on each of these three elements. These ratings are then combined into an overall rating.

This new rating system is based on a 20-year-old law that reformed how nursing homes provide care. It also reflects more recent quality improvement efforts led by consumers, health providers and nursing home experts.

Overall, the new tool gives consumers a snapshot of the care that individual nursing homes provide. It also gives consumers the background to ask more informed questions before they decide on a facility.

I must note, however, that Nursing Home Compare can’t answer all your questions. It cannot tell how things may have changed—for better or worse—once a nursing home was given its rating.

The best way to get a complete picture of a nursing home is to visit it in person. Ask questions of the people who take care of residents, not just those who work in the front office.

You will be able to ask more informed questions after you review the data that go into Nursing Home Compare’s rating system, including:

• Health Inspection Results: Major aspects of nursing home care are included in this measure. Trained people conduct the health inspections by visiting each nursing home, checking medical records and talking to patients. Even though inspection standards are the same from state to state, there are differences in how visits are carried out. That’s why it’s a good idea to compare nursing homes within the same state to get more accurate information.

• Staffing Levels: This measure looks at the overall number of personnel compared to the number of residents. However, staffing levels are more than just numbers—they also include the percentage of trained nurses and other personnel. Nursing homes collect and report this information once a year, so the data may not always be accurate or current. Keep in mind that quality is generally better in facilities with larger staffs that work directly with residents. Make sure you ask about what kind of and how large a staff a nursing home has.

• Quality Measures: Ten important elements of quality of care are covered in the rating system. They include how well the nursing home prevents and treats bedsores and helps people maintain key living skills, such as eating and dressing. Like the staffing data, these data are reported by the nursing home, not by an independent agency.

To get a fuller picture of the quality of care at a nursing home you may be considering, ask the staff about these elements and about other steps they take to improve residents’ care.

The Nursing Home Compare website includes a checklist to use when you visit a nursing home. It also provides links to other resources that can help you know what to look for when deciding on a facility. In the near future, the website will add a section that gives consumers’ perspectives on nursing home quality of care.

As we get more data to help us make decisions about nursing home quality, it’s up to us to put that information to good use. Data alone aren’t enough to arrive at decision, but they are a step in the right direction. A personal visit at which you ask informed questions builds on this foundation.

What To Say When Someones is Grieving A Loss.........

Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD)

Recent research has psychometrically validated the criteria for Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) - a disabling intense state of grief that persists for months, sometimes years. Though not a recognized mental disorder in the DSM-IVTR and ICD-10, inclusion could become a reality with the upcoming DSM V and ICD-11.

I have worked with a few individuals whose significant bereavement would fall into this category. Unable to move forward, paralyzed by the loss and grieving deeply, these individuals were often chastised by family and friends for "not getting on with it already." Often, friends and family don't realize that such statements are hurtful.

The inclusion of PGD as a recognized disorder would bring credibility to this specific grieving process. With it, too, would come ways to deal with the disorder. Dr. David Kessler, Grief and Loss Specialist for Tributes.com offers the best and the worst things to say to someone in this grief state :


The Worst Things to Say:

* At least she lived a long life, many people die young.
* He is in a better place. I am amazed by the number of well-wishers who say this to me!*
She brought this on herself.
*There is a reason for everything. How stupid is this one?
*Aren’t you over him yet? He has been dead for a while now.


The Best Things to Say:

* I am so sorry for your loss.
* I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
* I don’t know how you feel, but I am here If can help in anyway.
* You and your loved one will be in my thoughts.
* My favorite memory of _________ is _________

by Dr Deb http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/2009/08/prolonged-grief-disorder-pgd.html

Burr Oakes Cemetery Creates Problems For Our Family

Photos taken at my Mom's burial in Burr Oakes Cemetery, Maplewood Section, on May 3, 2008

I cannot bring closure to my Dad’s death nor can I proceed with legal activities because I cannot bury my Dad.

Yes, my parents bought plots (in the 1950s) in the now infamous, Burr Oakes Cemetery, outside Chicago. This is where four people have been accused of reselling plots and dumping the remains of old bodies in an empty, abandoned lot. The cemetery is an offical crime scene.

Not only did the scandalous story make international headlines, I heard about it in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, sailing to England on the Queen Mary 2.

According to the news reports, county government has stepped in to oversea day-to-day management of Burr Oakes because it is considered a crime scene. It has been closed to all business for more than one month. It is uncertain WHEN it will reopen. In the meantime, hundreds of families are unable to bury loved ones and thousands more are unable to visit their loved ones.

My Dads funeral director has attempted to contact Burr Oakes directly, I have attempted to contact them directly, our family attorney has attempted to contact them directly—all in vain.

I am in limbo.

I do not know when I should make arrangements
--for a return trip to Chicago (flight, rental car etc),
--for a formal burial service (priest, funeral home, friends etc), nor
--for the numerous agencies involved to process death certificates.

Of note, until an official burial date is stamped on the death certificate, it cannot be used in any official capacity.


I deliberately delayed Dad's funeral with the expectation that Burr Oakes would have reopened by August 8. It is one week after my Dads funeral; he continues to “lie in wait” at the funeral home.

This is not right!

I Felt Like A Good Daughter at Dad’s Funeral

It felt really good to hear positive comments about my caregiving for Mom and Dad at my Dad’s funeral, 3 days ago.

Laverne led by singing my praises as a devoted daughter who dedicated 4+ years to caring for her parents and keeping them in their home, as they wished. She acknowledged all the hard work, long hours, monthly trips to Chicago, and good decisions I made—even all the way from Miami.

Next, Gwen highlighted my dedication to putting my parents’ care and comfort first and to all my hard work as a good daughter.

Shirley commented on how frequently we connected; as she visited Dad weekly. She said I was a great daughter and she loves me.

Dad's Funeral is Today

I saw Dad at the funeral home last night. No matter how prepared I thought I was to see him, I was not prepared to see him. The realization of the finality of it all caught me my surprise and my emotions overwhelmed me.

I know this is normal.

Today is his funeral at St. Dorothy's.

Off To Chicago For Dad's Funeral

I am packing to spend time indefinitely in Chicago.

I am planning my dad's funeral; I will need to complete all administrative duties associated with being executor of his will; and I will need to begin to make arrangements for how to deal with the house. Importantly, my parents bought the house in 1958 and it is my childhood home.

There's so much to process - so much that awaits me. It is all a very stressful time.

God grant me:
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference