Closing Out Year # 4

I am closing out 2008, the fourth year I have served as long distance caregiver.

Who knows what 2009 will bring.

I will continue to pray for guidance.

Karla

New Laptop

I got a new computer so I can finally upload Dad and Juanita's video interviews Surviving The Tulsa Riots

Dad pressed his Lifeline button again

Both Mildred and Lifeline called me to let me know Dad pressed his button at 7AM. Mildred said he was on the floor next to his bed unable to get up. He is OK. Mildred and her husband put him back to bed safely.

Replacing a Caregiver

A caregiver who has been with us almost 4 years has to care for her sick Mom. I was forced to replace her. I am in Chicago and will help train her replacement. The agency sent the new lady to slowly learn the job last Friday.

I have mixed emotions about bringing a new person into our home. I hope Dad adapts to her.

Replacing a Caregiver

A caregiver who has been with us almost 4 years has to care for her sick Mom. I was forced to replace her. I am in Chicago and will help train her replacement. The agency sent the new lady to slowly learn the job last Friday.

I have mixed emotions about bringing a new person into our home. I hope Dad adapts to her.

I decorated Dad’s bedroom for Christmas.

I decorated Dad’s bedroom for Christmas. It is very sad that Mom is not here.

In-Home Hospice Costs $8,000 Per Month

I just reviewed the hospice bill and I am amazed by the costs. I am grateful Dad has Medicare!
He has been in hospice since June 2007.

Cared for Dad alone on Thanksgiving

I took care of Dad alone from1:00 in the afternoon and overnight Thanksgiving.

I cared for Dad alone giving the afternoon and nighttime caregivers the day off. I am always a bit nervous when I care for Dad alone because I am not physically strong and because of the poop thing.

We survived together!

Dad enjoyed his Thanksgiving meal!

Dad Has Become Mom

I continue to be amazed by how much my Dad has taken on my Mom’s characteristics. He has become critical, frugal, paranoid, and the latest: he has developed her voracious skin itching. He scratches incessantly out of habit just like Mom did. He opens wounds just as Mom did. There is no medical cause for his itching and none of the itching remedies stop him from scratching—JUST LIKE MOM!

He called me down at 5AM to scratch his back and asks caregivers to rub him throughout the day.

I feel so bad for him.

Here in Chicago for Thanksgiving With Dad

Lifeline Called Again

National Day of Listening November 28

Here is a blog post about how to record memories of an older relative AND have fun in the process. I am glad I have Dad on videotape talking about the Tulsa Massacre.

We Support the "National Day of Listening" This Friday By Donna Kozik

This Thanksgiving, Story Corps asks you to start a new holiday tradition—set aside one hour on Friday, November 28, to record a conversation with someone important to you. You can interview anyone you choose: an older relative, a friend, a teacher, or a familiar face from the neighborhood.Here are some fast tips about how to conduct an interview with an older relative…

1. Do a little prep work. Even though you might think you know the stories by heart yourself, jot down some notes of which ones you’d like to record and a few questions that you want to make sure you remember to ask.

2. Get the basics at the beginning. Introduce your story by saying something like, “Today I’m talking with my grandfather, Joseph O, who is telling me about the time he, Uncle Eddie and Uncle Harry rode the motorbike they built from scratch onto the neighbor’s roof.”

3. Put everyone at ease. If your person seems put off by the tape recorder, have them hold it, which will put them more at ease. (It also may help them channel their inner performer and improve the sound quality.)

4. Put a button on it. When the story comes to its natural end, do a little wrap up, similar to your intro. Also remember to thank your storyteller.

5. Share the recording! The real joy comes from sharing the recording with others in your family. Don’t worry about doing any fancy editing before you send it out—the treasure is in the content and the voice of the loved one telling the story.

Most of all, make it fun. Most older people will be flattered and get a kick that one of the “young’ens” wants to conduct an interview and will enjoy their time in the spotlight. Let ‘em shine! And, of course, I encourage you to have the recording transcribed and be the start of a book you can publish on your family’s history—it will make a great gift the following year, or sooner!

Solo, Long-Distance, Caregiver of Elderly Parents

I cant believe I have been a solo, long-distance care giver of my parents for 3 years and 10 months!

Caregiver Family Sadness

Our daytime caregiver discovered her Mom has inoperable cancer and refuses any form of treatment. We will likely need to find temporary replacement help.

FEMA will provide September flooding disaster help

I found out FEMA will provide assistance to families whose homes were damaged during the floods in Chicago the weekend of September 13.

Here is our timeline of events.

Sept 13-15 basement flooded
FEMA declared Chicago area a disaster area and established a budget to assist families whose homes suffered flood damage.

November 3, 2008: I called and completed the lengthy application process over the phone.
ID# 410699636 Disaster#: 1800
The inspector made two visits. No one was there.
Inspector left me a message
I left three messages for him

11/13 Two calls from FEMA

11/14 they had dropped our case
Our case got reinstated on 11/14/08. In notes to inspector::They told him to Contact ME first.

11/18. Finally spoke with Jeff, the inspector who said he would go by the house on November 19. Vivian told me he was very thorough and very personable. He called me and I gave him all the home owner’s insurance info over the phone.

I hope FEMA will provide assistance.

Funding for Respite Care in Illinois, Has Disappeared

I have spent several weeks attempting to clarify the new policies and procedures around respite care—additional help with caregiving-- in Chicago.

I have spoken with the Chicago Department of Senior Services, Illinois Department on Aging, and our local agency, the Healthcare Consortium.

Primarily, what I have encountered is that I get transferred to a black hole of voicemail. I have left countless messages with these agencies requesting help for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as I always have in the past. No one returns my calls!

Today, I finally spoke directly with a representative at the Chicago Department of Senior services. She informed me it that there is no more funding for respite care. Individual agencies might have available funds-- although; it is highly unlikely, because most agencies have experienced a backup since April.

It is disheartening to realize that we continue to be in a state of crises around elder care.

The majority of caregivers are women who work full time, and to have children still at home. The average household income of a caregiver hovers around $50,000 a year. Yet, there is very little help available to assist these caregivers in caring for their elderly loved ones.

It should be criminal!

As we continue to invest more than $10 billion a month to occupy a country that manages a multi-million-dollar surplus, we neglect American citizens.

As the baby boomer generation continues to age, we will soon see that more than 77 million US residents will need some form of elder care-- of course, an overwhelming majority have no long term care insurance and lack the funds for health care that cost anywhere from $15-$20 an hour. This translates to more than $45,000 a year for eight hours a day of help. For most families, this is not affordable. The average cost of nursing home care is $60,000 per year. For most families, this is not affordable.

I wonder how we as a society are going to take care of our elders when we can afford the cost of care (in both time and money).

As a single person with no kids, I will not be able to live long into retirement. I will not be able to afford home health care for myself. There is no one to take care of people like me. Euthanasia will be our only solution for many.

Very sad!

People (vultures) Amaze Me

People Amaze Me

Last week, while I was home in Chicago, members of my Mom’s family came by and asked to buy some of my Mom’s elegant wardrobe for a step in-law. When I responded, “ I will not make changes now because I am honoring my Dads wishes to leave things intact”, I got back “What is he going to do? Wear her clothes?” I explained, “he is my Dad, this is HIS house, and she was HIS wife. I will respect his wishes. Perhaps you would understand if you were in his shoes”. What I got back was “My wife died and you don’t see her things in my house”. I replied “well, people are different in how they approach life”.

Unbelievable that I was being bullied into changing how my Dad and I choose to deal with our lives and our grief.---All because of other peoples’ greed. There are millions of stores around the world-cant their friend find one that sells clothing in her size???????????????? How dare these people come into our home feeling entitled to our things!!!!!!

I decorated Dad’s room for Halloween

I decorated Dad’s room for Halloween . I used to decorate the living room for Mom and her guests because she spent the whole day there in her lift chair. Since Dad is confined to his bed, I will decorate for Christmas in his room. It will be sad not decorating the living room for mom.

New Care Giver Seems To Be Working Out

During my last visit, I hired a new night time caregiver for Saturday and Sunday. When I arrived last night, Annie seemed calm and in control. She doesnt seem ruffled by Dad's moods swings and occasional obsessions. This morning, she told me he kept calling for her to come in while he counted coins from the big jar (collection). She is our 12th caregiver in less than 4 years.

Karla in Chicago

Tulsa Massacre Survivor Votes For Black Man For President

My sweet, hard-working, honest Dad grew up in the Jim Crow south where his family's  life was ruined during the Tulsa Massacre. In Chicago, Dad was vigilant as precinct caption, with his clipboard walking door-to-door, helping neighbors to register and vote. For many years, he was tireless in his efforts to help people exercise their precious right to vote.

I am happy he lived to see the day that a superb Black candidate could become the next President of The United States!

Dad received his absentee ballot

I helped Dad vote by securing an absentee ballot application form for him during my last visit. I am so happy that this Tulsa Massacre survivor can vote for our first Black candidate.

I bought microwave oven on-line

The 20-year old microwave oven finally stopped working. I bought it for Mom and Dad back in the late 80s or early 90s. I shopped at Sears online and ordered a Kenmore unit for $129.99. Shipping cost is $17.95. That way, I wont spend time shopping while I am there and I wont have to lift it into the house.

Elderspeak Can Effect Health Negatively

Here is an article published in today's New York Times

link: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/07/us/07aging.html?_r=1&em&oref=slogin

In ‘Sweetie’ and ‘Dear,’ a Hurt for the Elderly
By JOHN LELAND

Professionals call it elderspeak, the sweetly belittling form of address that has always rankled older people: the doctor who talks to their child rather than to them about their health; the store clerk who assumes that an older person does not know how to work a computer, or needs to be addressed slowly or in a loud voice. Then there are those who address any elderly person as “dear.”

“People think they’re being nice,” said Elvira Nagle, 83, of Dublin, Calif., “but when I hear it, it raises my hackles.”

Now studies are finding that the insults can have health consequences, especially if people mutely accept the attitudes behind them, said Becca Levy, an associate professor of epidemiology and psychology at Yale University, who studies the health effects of such messages on elderly people.

“Those little insults can lead to more negative images of aging,” Dr. Levy said. “And those who have more negative images of aging have worse functional health over time, including lower rates of survival.”

In a long-term survey of 660 people over age 50 in a small Ohio town, published in 2002, Dr. Levy and her fellow researchers found that those who had positive perceptions of aging lived an average of 7.5 years longer, a bigger increase than that associated with exercising or not smoking. The findings held up even when the researchers controlled for differences in the participants’ health conditions.

In her forthcoming study, Dr. Levy found that older people exposed to negative images of aging, including words like “forgetful,” “feeble” and “shaky,” performed significantly worse on memory and balance tests; in previous experiments, they also showed higher levels of stress.

Despite such research, the worst offenders are often health care workers, said Kristine Williams, a nurse gerontologist and associate professor at the University of Kansas School of Nursing.
To study the effects of elderspeak on people with mild to moderate dementia, Dr. Williams and a team of researchers videotaped interactions in a nursing home between 20 residents and staff members. They found that when nurses used phrases like “good girl” or “How are we feeling?” patients were more aggressive and less cooperative or receptive to care. If addressed as infants, some showed their irritation by grimacing, screaming or refusing to do what staff members asked of them.

The researchers, who will publish their findings in The American Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease and Other Dementias, concluded that elderspeak sent a message that the patient was incompetent and “begins a negative downward spiral for older persons, who react with decreased self-esteem, depression, withdrawal and the assumption of dependent behaviors.”
Dr. Williams said health care workers often thought that using words like “dear” or “sweetie” conveyed that they cared and made them easier to understand. “But they don’t realize the implications,” she said, “that it’s also giving messages to older adults that they’re incompetent.”
“The main task for a person with Alzheimer’s is to maintain a sense of self or personhood,” Dr. Williams said. “If you know you’re losing your cognitive abilities and trying to maintain your personhood, and someone talks to you like a baby, it’s upsetting to you.”

She added that patients who reacted aggressively against elderspeak might receive less care.
For people without cognitive problems, elderspeak can sometimes make them livid. When Sarah Plummer’s pharmacy changed her monthly prescription for cancer drugs from a vial to a contraption she could not open, she said, the pharmacist explained that the packaging was intended to help her remember her daily dose.
“I exploded,” Ms. Plummer wrote to a New York Times blog, The New Old Age, which asked readers about how they were treated in their daily life.
“Who says I don’t take my medicine as prescribed?” wrote Ms. Plummer, 61, who lives in Champaign, Ill. “I am alive right now because I take these pills! What am I supposed to do? Hold it with vice grips and cut it with a hack saw?’”
She added, “I believed my dignity and integrity were being assaulted.”
Health care workers are often not trained to avoid elderspeak, said Vicki Rosebrook, the executive director of the Macklin Intergenerational Institute in Findlay, Ohio, a combined facility for elderly people and children that is part of a retirement community.
Dr. Rosebrook said that even in her facility, “we have 300 elders who are ‘sweetie’d’ here. Our kids talk to elders with more respect than some of our professional care providers.”
She said she considered elderspeak a form of bullying. “It’s talking down to them,” she said. “We do it to children so well. And it’s natural for the sandwich generation, since they address children that way.”

Not all older people object to being called sweetie or dear, and some, like Jan Rowell, 61, of West Linn, Ore., say they appreciate the underlying warmth. “We’re all reaching across the chasm,” Ms. Rowell said. “If someone calls us sweetie or honey, it’s not diminishing us; it’s just their way to connect, in a positive way.”
She added, “What would reinforce negative stereotypes is the idea that old people are filled with pet peeves, taking offense at innocent attempts to be friendly.”
But Ellen Kirschman, 68, a police psychologist in Northern California, said she objected to people calling her “young lady,” which she called “mocking and disingenuous.” She added: “As I get older, I don’t want to be recognized for my age. I want to be recognized for my accomplishments, for my wisdom.”

To avoid stereotyping, Ms. Kirschman said, she often sprinkles her conversation with profanities when she is among people who do not know her. “That makes them think, This is someone to be reckoned with,” she said. “A little sharpness seems to help.”
Bea Howard, 77, a retired teacher in Berkeley, Calif., said she objected less to the ways people addressed her than to their ignoring her altogether. At recent meals with a younger friend, Ms. Howard said, the restaurant’s staff spoke only to the friend.
“They ask my friend, ‘How are you; how are you feeling?’ just turning on the charm to my partner,” Ms. Howard said. “Then they ask for my order. I say: ‘I feel you’re ignoring me; I’m at this table, too.’ And they immediately deny it. They say, no, not at all. And they may not even know they’re doing it.”

Dr. Levy of Yale said that even among professionals, there appeared to be little movement to reduce elderspeak. Words like “dear,” she said, have a life of their own. “It’s harder to change,” Dr. Levy said, “because people spend so much of their lives observing it without having a stake in it, not realizing it’s belittling to call someone that.”
In the meantime, people who are offended might do well to follow the advice of Warren Cassell of Portland, Ore., who said it irritated him when “teenage store clerks and about 95 percent of the rest of society” called him by his first name. “It’s the faux familiarity,” said Mr. Cassell, 78.
But he mostly shrugs it off, he said. “I’m irked by it, but I can’t think about it that much,” he said. “There are too many more important things to think about.”

Free Caregivers Teleconferences!

November 6 and 13; 2 p.m. Eastern Time:

A FREE National TeleClass for family caregivers, hosted by the National Family Caregivers Association, the purpose of the TeleClass is to improve the ability of family caregivers to communicate more effectively with healthcare professionals so they can be better healthcare advocates for themselves and their loved ones. For more information visit: www.thefamilycaregiver.orgor call 800-896-3650.

This FREE two-part series features 2 one-hour phone calls on:
Thursday November 6th and 13th at 2:00 PM Eastern
You can participate by telephone or you may be on the phone AND follow along on the TeleClass Web site, however this is an option and NOT required.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN DURING THIS TELECLASS SERIES:
Part 1: November 6
Develop a basic understanding of how the U.S. healthcare system operates
Understand your role on your loved one’s healthcare team
Describe how good communication can facilitate optimum health care
Know how to prepare for doctor office visits
Part 2: November 13
Develop strategies to establish rapport/collaborate with your loved one’s healthcare providers
Distinguish between different styles of communicating with healthcare professionals
Compose assertive messages for communicating in healthcare situations
Be prepared for and cope with an emergency room visit

For more information contact NFCA at teleclass@thefamilycaregiver.orgor call 1/800-896-3650.

More parents move in with kids

I read an interesting article about family housing trends in the US. Here is an excerpt:

In the 1990s, your family came for dinner. Now they're moving in.
The number of parents, siblings and other relatives who live with adult heads of households grew 42% from 2000 to 2007, according to data released Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau.
Leading the way: parents, up 67%, to 3.6 million.

The figures suggest it isn't only elderly parents moving in. The number of parents under 65 in these households increased by 75%, and those 65 and older were up 62%. Both groups outpaced the increase in the number of people in family households overall, which is up 6% since 2000.
"This is just a major trend," says Stephanie Coontz, a family history professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., who directs research at the Council on Contemporary Families.
Coontz suspects that a host of factors — among them higher housing costs and the nation's struggling economy — are prompting families to combine expenses. Also, intergenerational households are more common among the country's growing number of immigrants, she says.

But Coontz also notes that parent-child relationships are closer now than in the past. The downside, she says, is the emergence of the so-called helicopter parent who may hover too closely, but the upside is a tighter bond between generations and, in many cases, closer friendships between grown children and their parents. "I don't know how many of my students have told me, 'This may sound weird, but I talk to my parents more than I talk to my friends.' "
The average size of both families and households grew from 2000 to 2007, the data show, after shrinking slightly in the 1990s. The average family in 2007 had 3.2 people, up from 3.14 in 2000. The average household, which includes those in which someone lives alone, had 2.61 people in 2007, up from 2.59 in 2000.

Among other factors changing households:

• A 40% increase in the number of other live-in relatives, including the head of household's mother-in-law or father-in-law, to 6.8 million.
• A 24% increase in the number of live-in brothers and sisters, to 3.5 million in 2007.
• An 8% increase in non-relatives, including unmarried partners and roommates, to 6.2 million.
• Alaska had the highest percentage change in parents living with householders, up 167%. South Dakota had the lowest, still up 7%.

The Census Bureau's annual American Community Survey collects data from about 3 million U.S. households each year.

Juanita is still in pain after May hip surgery

Juanita, my Mom's dearest friend, who broke her hip en route to Mom's funeral in May, still suffers with pain. She called me yesterday to vent. She feels she is not making progress.

I fell so bad for her. Mom would never have wanted this to happen to her dear, loving friend. Juanita is 94 and was in perfect health and completely independent. Now, she is dependent and in pain.

She looked so frail when I visited her during my Chicago trip last month.

I will continue pray for her recovery.

Hurricane Creates Flooding in Chicago

Our basement flooded this week because of rain remnants from the destructive hurricane Ike. Fortunately, Mildred moved items onto the sofa and tables and solicited help from her husband to come over to mop.

Many roads are still flooded and neighborhoods are trapped by flooding waters.

Dad's Frustration With Social Security

During my last visit, my Dad kept asking why he does not receive Mom's Social Security check. He kept insisting she had paid into the fund for years so he should be able to receive it.

It was so awkward for me to have to respond that they can no longer send it to her because they have no where to send it.

If one retired spouse passes away, the surviving spouse receives the check that was the higher of the two. Dad worked longer so he will continue to receive his check, (with an increase of about $50 per month).

Hospice Nurse Called From Dad's Bedside

I was really worried tonight when the hospice nurse called me. She said Dad has excruciating abdominal pain. She wants to send him to their hospital facility but he refuses to go. She brought morphine (liquid form) for him. She will instruct Vivian on how to administer the pain meds.

We agreed Dad is stubborn.

I called Vivian later. She will monitor him closely and call me if there are changes.

We agreed Dad will likely sleep through the night.

Caregiver Duties Are Reduced

I interviewed a new caregiver candidate yesterday. It hit me hard when I had to explain her duties. They are very simple now that Mom is gone.

In the past, I have interviewed dozens of caregivers to whom I've had to describe a lengthly list of duties chiefly pertaining to my Mom's care. My Mom had to be exercised, changed, bathed, dressed, moved into living room, givin oxygen, and given meds. At night, they had to bathe her, dress her for bed, and move her into her bed.

In contrast, Dad stays in bed all day long.

Absentee Ballot Application for Dad

My Dad was so deeply committed to the democratic process that he served as a precinct captain. For many years, he went door-to-door in sleet and snow to register voters. He spend days at the polling place assisting where needed.

I will ensure his vote counts in this historical election year.

I just downloaded the absentee ballot form. He checked the box indicating he is physically handicapped because he is unable to leave the house.

I am excited for him! A Tulsa Massacre survivor, raised in the Jim Crow south, will be able to vote for the first Black president.

BarackObama will give his famous acceptance speech in Denver tonight to a crowd of 70,000.

Going home will be sad

I will head home to Chicago today and I just realized I will not see my Mom's smiling face when I walk in the door. She would keep me company and I would keep her company as she observed me from her comfortable lift chair (in front of the big TV). She rarely spoke but she watched and smiled. She closely watched all my movements, whether I was processing their mail, opening groceries, paying and filing their bills, or trying a new dessert.

Now, the living room is empty.

Her hearing aid accesseries, skin care products, candies, and water bottle are no longer needed.

I used to pick up my favorite Chinese food on the way home. She ALWAYS wanted some of my food. Now, I have no one to share it with...............................

(Dad stays in bed and sleeps most of the day.)

I Will Hire A New Caregiver

It looks like I will need to find a newcaregiver to work weekend nights. Our existing nightime caregiver has sceduling conflicts because of family issues.

I will interview someone whom she recommends when I go there next week. Apparently, this colleague used to help take my Mom out for road trips last year so she is familliar with our family and our needs. Also, our (3.5 year) night time caregiver trusts her.

She will be the twelth caregiver I have hired since January 2005.

Dad used to be predictable and always follow routines

Dad used to be predictable and always follow routines

All that is changing and he is giving the caregivers a hard time.

He used to take his daily medication religiously. Recently, he refuses to take his meds, at times.

He used to sometimes refuse help with bathing and only bathed periodically. Recently, he has begun to demand that all the caregivers bathe him—even if there is an outside nurse whose job is to bathe him.

He used to remember conversations. Lately, he keeps forgetting that I spoke with his sister’s husband.

He used to accept me paying the bills. Now, he questions why he does not see them.

He even insults and threatens the nigh time caregiver---more and more.

I wish he would spend time outside of his bedroom and entertain himself with television.

I worry about his emotional well being.

Dad in the 1950s (I think)

The Surviving Spouse

Dad has his good days and his bad days since Mom has passed.

Some days he eats only enough to survive and fortunately, more recently, he has regained his appetite and is even asking for cake and ice cream. A new doctor visited recently, and prescribed a medication that will help unclog his ears and he said that dad’s abscess around his groin area is healing well. The new social worker is concerned that dad remains in bed and refuses to listen to the radio or watch television. I told her, this is a symptom of his depression as well as of his deteriorating vision and hearing. He has lost the desire for some of the activities that used to bring him pleasure. He still insists on getting the daily newspaper.

According to Vitas Hospice, the loss of a spouse is more dangerous for men than for women. Men tend to grieve more deeply and are less capable of caring for themselves alone.
Fortunately, my dad still has the same responsive, round-the-clock staff that has been there since March 2005. In addition, he has a supportive hospice team that includes nurses, physicians, a case manager, nurses and assistants, and a wonderful minister. In addition, Shirley brings him first Holy Communion every Sunday, ever since my mom passed.

He is well taken care of.

Dad's only sister, who lives in LA, has been in a nursing home since April. Dad spoke with her husband to find out how she was doing last week.

I will visit again soon.

I visited Juanita-still in the nursing home

Here she is (on left) with Mom last year.

45 days after my Mom's funeral, Juanita is still healing from her fall. Yes, on the way to my Mom's funeral, she snapped her hip and fell down. She was rushed to the ER and had surgery on her broken hip.

She is still at Manor Care nursing home in Oak Lawn, Ill.

I had a wonderful one-on-one visit with her yesterday.

I will finish this later.......................

I Fed Daddy Today

How Do You Know If It's The Last Fathers Day?

When Dreams Become Nightmares

Early this morning, Dad called me into his room.

He asked me: “Where is Lorraine? I was just with her”.
He insisted they’d spent time together.
He wanted to know “what we are trying to pull on him”. He was implying she was really alive.
I told him he dreamt about her.
He said, “NO, it was not a dream. I talked with her, I hugged her, I WAS with her”.
I said: “I know Daddy, it was a dream”.
He wanted me to call her best friend, Estelle. (it was 730 AM)
Then he asked: “do you think the undertaker will know where she is? If she’s dead”?

I told him yes they know………….

He kept insisting he was supposed to meet Estelle at 10:00.

He called me back in and asked: “Why won’t you call”? I replied: “Call who”? He replied: “Lorraine”. I asked “how can I call her”? Then he said “call Clem, call Laverne, call Estelle”. He said “JUST call somebody please!!”.

I am at a loss for words.

It is heart wrenching.

Those vivid dreams can sometimes become nightmares.

Part II

Update:

Mildred (weekend caregiver) arrived and he had her to dial Aunt Estelle’s number.

I listened in as he informed her he knows the truth-he knows she knows where my Mom is. He is not stupid. He knows Lorraine faked her death so she could runoff with another man—her true love….it was a long confused talk. She could not hear him so I had to explain to my Mom’s 95-year old, childhood friend what he was alleging.

He also asked her to call the funeral home.

Later, Dad told Mildred he was grieving the loss of his wife.

Then he aked Mildred and I to go to the funeral home to find her.

He continued to ramble on nonsensically insisting he washed Moms hair yesterday, Moms friends were over, and I was standing in the closet.

Concerned, I contacted VITAS hospice. The nurse called back and prescribed an anti-anxiety narcotic for his hallucinations. I probably won’t be able to get him to take it.

It arrived two hours later (They move quickly—even on Sunday-Father’s Day)

Part III

Later:

Dad said some extremely inappropriately things to an old family friend who came by. I still have not wrapped my head around what he said and did to her.

Part IV

Later:

Dad yelled out for help. He was face down and pants down on the bed, unable to move. I could not lift him—so, I headed out the front door in search of a strong man. Then, I heard a loud voice say “Karla Scott”. I looked up and saw it was a childhood friend. I informed him he does not realize it but he is my angel. He came in, gave me his number, and told me to call for help anytime.

He ate only two bites of a great breakfast and dinner today. He is very week.

The night is young and I am here alone with Dad.

Part V

Update:

Tonight, as I got Dad ready for sleep, he was begging me again to reveal where Mom is hiding. He says I am cruel to withhold her whereabouts from him. I insisted he KNOWS exactly where she has gone.

I did not give him the anti-anxiety meds for fear of additional side effects.

This was a most difficult Father's Day!

Feeling Overwhelmed

Although much has changed in my family situation (Chicago), I am still busy handling all Dads healthcare affaires and managing the house

On a regular basis, I deal with the following institutions and individuals for Dad.:

Healthcare Agency
Depart on Aging Center
Social Security
Pension Fund
Social Worker
Caregiver 1
Caregiver 2
Caregiver 3
Caregiver 4
Hospice Agency
Nurse
Case Manager
Physician
CNA
Respite Agency
Insurance companies
IRS
County-(property taxes)
Accountant
Lawyer
Banker
Minister
Lawn Maintenance Crew
Newspaper Delivery Folks
Church pastor
Church members
Mom’s friends
Creditors
--Weekly
--Monthly
--Semi-annual
Household Maintenance and Repair People
And more………

of course, there are still all the duties attached to my Mom's passing

Seeing this list helps me understand why I am so mentally fatigued.

Things will be so different now

Things will be so different now.

During my monthly trips home to Chicago, I used to devote 70% of my energy towards caregiving for my Mom. She had been the sick one ever since she had her stroke in January 2005. She was hospitalized several times, stayed in nursing home twice, had physical therapists and multiple nurse and social worker visits. I had to buy incontinence supplies for her, take her hearing aid to be repaired, explore new anti-itch medications, and I chose to decorate the living room for each holiday because she spent her days in the living room etc.

The caregivers’ duties have changed also. They spent most of their energy bathing her, dressing her, changing her, exercising her, walking her/transporting her into the living room, washing and combing her hair, rubbing her with ointments, giving her medicines 3X per day, giving her oxygen treatments (when needed), dressing her wounds, guarding her hearing aids, taking her to the dentist, rushing her to the ER, etc. Putting her to bed was the biggest evening event.

Things will be so different now.

When I walk into the house, she won’t be sitting in her lift chair watching television. I won’t see her face light up when I enter the room……….

I have decided to keep the household caregiver/homemaker routine/schedule the same. The same four ladies come round the clock to maintain the house and care for Dad. It’s familiar and comfortable for Dad.

Dad is bed-ridden. He sleeps most of the day yet he’s awake and calling (for help and company) from about 7PM till after midnight. (He knocks on the wall with his cane when he wants attention)

Dad has officially been a hospice patient since June 2007 (see June 6, 2007 web post). Therefore he has a supportive team of professionals looking out for him including a case manager, nurse, nurse assistants (they come to bathe him 2-3X per week), a kind minister, and of course, a physician that strives to keep him comfortable.

In all, about 10 people are taking care of Dad. Also, on Sundays, a parishioner brings him First Holy Communion.

I am dreading the reality of my next trip.

Those negative sentiments will be offset by the joy of spending time with my 95-year old Dad on Father’s Day.

Heading Home For Father's Day

Victory on 6-03

Mom's Prayer Card - One Month Ago Today

Prayer Card

Eulogy

Eulogy for Lorraine Scott.
By Karla Scott

My fondest memories of my Mom, are of how safe I felt with her. I remember on one of those coldest days of the year, when I was a little girl.
I came inside and she gave me a hug. She sat me down on her lap,
she removed my boots and my socks and she began to rub my toes one by one, and
carefully to blow her breath on them one by one,
until she warned them up.


That's the kind of person she was: she rubbed her tender loving care into everyone she met, everything she did, and everything she said. And she did it with gusto!

During the past few days I've heard so many wonderful stories about her from her closest friends. They've told me about their travels together home how she loved to dance, how she loved to eat, how she love to shop, how she'd love to party, how she loved to decorate, and she was always at the center of attention.

What really strikes me is how many people tell me she helped them.

Giving rides, money, sharing possessions, buying tickets, serving on committees (more than 20 social and civic) , praying for and with them.

Here is an excerpt from letter from a dear friend From Barbara Carey in Calif: (known since 1940s)

Dear Karla: We all will remember Lorraine as a person who cared about people, gave her time, gave of what she worked for hard earned cash, gave people so much and I am one of them.

Another friend wrote:

She was always helping others, was generous, and always the best dressed in the room.

My Mom certainly knew how to light up a room with her smile, her laugh, and her joy of living.

She's had lifelong friends such as Estelle Buser (from 1920s) and Ernestine Connors, Clemetine Smith, and Bobbie Anthony-Perez (1940s)and newer friends such as Cathy Adams, Juanita Blakey
____________________________________________

Her Finest Roles were as Mother and Wife:

She did her best to provide a good life for my sister, Stephanie and I She succeeded. We had everything we needed and everything we wanted from Catholic schools, to piano and dance lessons, to. Girl Scouting in 4-H clubs, to summer camp, trips to Europe in high school, to junior year living in France, to attendance at great colleges and universities.

Importantly, She wanted us to have a better life than she had-- you know, the American dream.

Like most of her peers, she had humble beginnings.

She grew up in the deep South, you know, at a time where lynching was a daily activity, jobs were scarce as the Boll weevil destroyed the cotton crop, and Jim Crow reigned with its heavy hand

Despite all this, she had aspirations for a better life. She heard the call of greater opportunity, up north and seized the moment to explore a better life in the great city of Chicago, a haven for Southerners especially those from Mississippi.

Through hard work, rigorous discipline, and prudent savings/investment strategies, she was able to live a comfortable middle-class life and to celebrate the joy of living.

She met her soulmate, my dad, William Scott, in 1943. From the moment he first laid eyes on her, he chased her down, (literally jumping over a diner counter), until he caught her. He held on tightly and never let go…and the rest is history.

As you all know, he worshiped her, striving to ensure that all heard needs were met. Yes, she had her husband wrapped around her little finger: she succeeded in never having to iron, never having to cook, never having to unpack luggage, in never having to pump her own gas. He wanted her happy always.

________________________________________________________

Let me share with you her last moments

Our nighttime caregiver Vivian shared with me, her last stand:

After she tucked both my dad and my mom into bed that night, my dad kept asking my mom to talk with him. Vivian told my mom to look over at him and wave at him so he would be satisfied to know she was okay. She smiled at him. She waved to him. That was the last thing she did.

She passed peacefully in her sleep that night.

A good friend of mine, who is Jewish, described what that kind of passing means in the Jewish tradition. According to the Torah, when someone passes away peacefully while sleeping in her own bed is considered a blessing from God. She was spared the pain, she was spared the suffering, she was spared the anxiety of dying. She simply passed on in peace.
_________________________________________________________

Thank you all for your love and support and for being such dear friends to my Mom.

I know she brought light into your life, she brought light into my life, and into the life of my Dad .

She is in peace

God bless you all.

The End

Letter to Postal Carrier

April 29, 2008

Dear Postal Carrier

My Mom passed away.

I will be out of town at least ten days.

Please hold my mail aside.

Thank You,
Karla Scott
H2510

_______________________________

May 19, 2008
Dear Postal Carrier

I am back in town. You can resume my mail delivery.

Thank You.

Thank You,
Karla Scott
H2510

19 Continuous days of stress since I heard the news!

Audacious Story

Blog Audacious Story

Throughout the process of grieving the loss of my mom, planning funeral events, and implementing funeral events, I experienced some surprising, some disturbing, and even some shocking moments.

Nothing shocks me more than the phone call I received yesterday.

The daughter of one of my mother's friends (a dear friend who passed away in the 1980s) called me six days after my mom's funeral.

She prefaced her remarks by stating she did not know if this was the right time to discuss “this”. She was hesitant.
She reminded me that her mom and my mom were old friends. She reminded me they were very close.
She repeated that she did not know if this was a good time to discuss such a matter.
Finally, she asserted, you know what I mean.
You know what I'm talking about right?!.

I replied,
no. I have had two weeks of little sleep, or little food, planning all five funeral events, receiving multiple cards and calls and letters and e-mails having multiple conversations---I am mentally and physically exhausted. No I don't know what you are talking about--you will have to be more direct with me about the purpose for your call.

She proceeded to inform me that my mom had told her that if ever she passed away, she wanted them to know that she left them in her will.

Shock and awe

I simply replied, that is not true

She continued, insisting my mom had made this promise to her and her family a long time ago.

I assured her, that is not true. I continued that I'm holding a copy of the will and that that is not true.

I informed her that for a year my dad had promised one of the cars to everyone who walked into the house. I hope she understood that people make promises, when they are elderly, that don't necessarily materialize.

Of note, I have not heard from her since my mom had passed and yet she felt it was appropriate to call me six days after my mom's funeral to stake her claim to a will

Shock and awe.

Another shocking and surprising event was that my mom's dearest friend (Juanita Blakey) fell and broke her hip as she was leaving to attend my mom's funeral. I had just spoken to her to find out if she needed us to give her a ride to the church. She is now in a nursing home, we have recovering from hip replacement surgery. She is almost 94 years old and had no physical problems prior to this. It is very sad!

Losing My Voice

I am losing my voice from all the intense emotional conversations--all day long, on both phone lines, and with visitors for 13 days now.

The Hardest Mother's Day Ever

I could never have imagined I would be in Chicago for Mother's Day right after I buried my Mom. I decided to avoid people and places that would triggers memories of this sad reality-so, I stayed home with Daddy.

To make matters worse, this weekend also commemorates the 25th anniversary of my Sister's passing.

It can only get better with time.

Aftermath

A whole other world exists for us now that Mom has left us.

Some issues I need to resolve are:

Fill in healthcare deficit since we lost Mom’s hours
Revised healthcare schedule for Dad
Find and train new caregiver
Contacting Social Security
Contacting Pension Fund
Revising Monthly budget with lower income
Name changes
Legal issues
Insurance issues
Thank You notes--115 total
Correspondence
Obtaining death certificates
Experiencing my Dad grieving my Mom, his partner of 64 years
Special requests from friends
Lots and lots of paperwork……………

All while the phone rings off the hook

It is overwhelming and I have been here 11 days and have more work to do

Mom's Funeral-8 hour day yesterday

I began the day by picking up two of Mom's elderly friends.

The limo picked us up at 935AM.

More than 100 people of all ages attended the services.

--Memorial Service at 10AM
--Catholic Funeral at 11AM
--Burial
--Repast 2:30.

There was a viewing at Raynor Funeral Home the night before. Mom looked graceful.

People said the services were lovely!

Mom went out in style.

http://www.obitservice.com/ Lorraine Scott

I bought an open-ended bereavement ticket

The fare is $490 with tax. I was able to apply the ticket I already had and they waived the $100 change fee. I had to give them the funeral home details and my Mom's name.

Here are the rules: American Airlines offers a compassion fare for customers traveling due to a medical emergency or death of a family member not limited to immediate family of the passenger.

Domestic partners are allowed.

This fare also applies to customers traveling due to a medical emergency within their family.

Customers must meet certain qualifications and provide specific information to obtain the compassion fare.AA compassion/bereavement fares must be booked by AA only. Tickets may be issued by travel agents. Tickets must be completed within one day after the reservation is completed and changes to reservations must be made by AA.

Remembering Mom

Lorraine Joan Hoskins Scott
May 24, 1915-April 26, 2008

Lorraine Joan Hoskins Scott, a generous, glamorous, fun-loving, loyal, creative American was born May 24, 1915 in Greenville Mississippi. Her parents were Solomon (b. 1884) and Ella Nora Hoskins (b. 1895). She had a brother Theodore Roosevelt Hoskins, born in 1911, who preceded her in death.

She attended Sacred Heart in Greenville Mississippi, where she was baptized Catholic in 1929.

As a girl she loved to play basketball, entertain her friends, and read.

Lured by the promise of opportunity for a better life in the North, she traveled with the Great Migration to Chicago in her 20s to find work. Always a caretaker, eventually, she sent for her mother, her brother, other family members, and even her best friend, Estelle Bivens. She assisted the newcomers in finding housing and work in her newfound home. She loved Chicago.

Lorraine worked several housekeeping jobs before landing a job at Western Electric, (the manufacturing arm of AT&T) in 1943 at age 28. The job provided steady income, full medical benefits, full pension, and union membership-- a real prize for a young Black girl from the Deep South. After working dutifully for 25 years, in 1968, she retired to be an at-home-Mom.

When she met William Arthur Scott, in 1943, it was love at first sight for both of them. Lifelong soul mates, Lorraine and William married, April 9, 1944 and celebrated 64 years of marriage this year.

Eventually, William joined Lorraine at work at Western Electric, where they commuted daily together for more than two decades.

Although their lives were full and rich, in their comfortable house on Chicago’s South Side, they had an empty space in their hearts. They adopted two baby girls, Stephanie, and Karla in 1962 and enveloped them with love.

Their goal as parents was to provide lots of love, educational opportunities, material comfort, fun, and spiritual guidance They even got pets for the first time in their married lives, so their children could enjoy the experience. Included in their gifts to their children were Catholic schools, Girl Scouts, the 4-H club, ballet lessons, piano lessons, and college.

Her greatest loss was when her daughter, Stephanie Katrina, passed away in 1983.

Lorraine was known as a generous soul who helped countless individuals, numerous charities, and her church, St. Dorothy's.

She was a member of several social organizations including Jolly Cliques, Christian Youth Fellowship, Ladies Guild, Le Players, the Knights of Peter Claver Women’s Auxiliary, and the Avalon Swingers (seniors) Dance Troop. She volunteered annually for La Rabida Children’s hospital for many years.

Always full of energy, she loved line dancing, and danced regularly with senior citizens dance groups, throughout Chicago up until she suffered a stroke in 2005. She was even featured on local television networks, performing with her dance group, The Avalon Swingers. When interviewed by broadcast journalists, she expressed her joy for living.

Lorraine traveled extensively in the US and to Greece, China, Israel, the Caribbean, and the Mediterranean.

She is survived by her husband William Arthur Scott (b. 1913) and her daughter Karla Joy Scott.

Also, she has a niece, Laverne Hadley, two grand nephews, Craig and Doug Anderson, and a grandniece, Lisa Anderson Hawkins.

Her closest friends are Estelle Bivens Buser and Juanita. Estelle Bivens Buser has been a lifelong friend. She and Juanita Blakey were like sisters to Lorraine.

Lorraine had a positive impact on the lives of everyone she touched. She will always be remembered as colorful, generous, stylish, loving and warm.

A note to our pastor

Dear Father Bob

I just received the phone call I have dreaded: My Mom, Lorraine Scott, passed away in her sleep.

I am numb now. I will speak with you soon.


Reflections--minutes later:
I wasnt certain how I would feel when I received the phone call. Now, I know: I just feel numb.

Barack Obama Learns Abour Home Care Work

Barack Obama spent a day with a home health care worker in order to gain insight into her career and issues where he can help. He cooked, mopped, did laundry, made beds and served meals to her 85-year old client.

See video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miUS7WnMgBw

Article on Boomers Flooding Medical System

Published: 4/14/08, 6:29 PM EDTBy RANDOLPH E. SCHMID


A recent study describes how millions of baby boomers are about to enter a health care system for seniors that not only isn't ready for them, but may even discourage them from getting quality care.
"We face an impending crisis as the growing number of older patients, who are living longer with more complex health needs, increasingly outpaces the number of health care providers with the knowledge and skills to care for them capably," said John W. Rowe, professor of health policy and management at Columbia University.

Rowe headed an Institute of Medicine committee that released a report Monday on the health care outlook for the 78 million baby boomers about to begin turning 65.

The report from the institute, an arm of the National Academy of Sciences, said:
_There aren't enough specialists in geriatric medicine.
_Insufficient training is available.
_The specialists that do exist are underpaid.
_Medicare fails to provide for team care that many elderly patients need.

The study said Medicare may even hinder seniors from getting the best care because of its low reimbursement rates, a focus on treating short-term health problems rather than managing chronic conditions and lack of coverage for preventive services or for health care providers' time spent collaborating with a patient's other providers.
The American Medical Association responded that seniors' access to Medicare in coming years "is threatened by looming Medicare physician payment cuts."
"This July, the government will begin steep cuts in Medicare physician payments, and 60 percent of physicians say this cut will force them to limit the number of new Medicare patients they can treat," the AMA said in a statement.
AARP, the organization for older Americans, said the report highlights the growing need for immediate action to improve and strengthen the health care and long-term care work force.

"We know the problem, and we know how to begin to fix it," said AARP President-Elect Jennie Chin Hansen.
The group said it is endorsing a bill by Sens. Senators Barbara Boxer, D-Calif. and Susan Collins, R-Maine, intended to steer caregivers towards geriatric and long-term care roles, and create an advisory panel to analyze this critical sector and make recommendations to tackle its changing needs.
The report found there are about 7,100 doctors certified in geriatrics in the United States, one per every 2,500 older Americans.
Turnover among nurse aides averages 71 percent annually, and up to 90 percent of home health aides leave their jobs within the first two years, the report said.
But while today's elderly tend to be healthier and live longer than previous generations, people over 65 to have more complex conditions and health care needs than younger folks.
The report urged that all health care workers be trained in basic geriatric care and that schools increase training in the treatment of older patients.
The federally required minimum number of hours of training for direct-care workers should be raised from 75 to at least 120, the report said, noting that more training is required for dog groomers and manicurists than direct-care workers in many parts of the country.
And it said pay for geriatric specialists, doctors, nurses and care workers needs to be increased.
A doctor specializing in elderly care earned $163,000 on average in 2005 compared with $175,000 for a general internist, even though the geriatric specialist required more training.
The report also urged training for family members and other informal caregivers who assist the elderly.

The study was sponsored by the John A. Hartford Foundation, Atlantic Philanthropies, Josiah Macy Jr. Foundation, Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, Retirement Research Foundation, California Endowment, Archstone Foundation, AARP, Fan Fox and Leslie R. Samuels Foundation and Commonwealth Fund.

The National Academy of Sciences is an independent organization chartered by Congress to advise the government on scientific matters.

Caregiver Depression, a National Crisis

One of today's all too silent crises is caregiver depression. It is reported that 20% of family caregivers suffer depression, which represents twice the rate of the general population. Almost 60%. Of the clients of the California Caregiver Resource Centers show clinical signs of depression.

What's more, they have found that former caregivers may not escape the prison of this condition-even after their caregiving duties end. A recent study revealed that 41% of former caregivers of a spouse with Alzheimer's disease or a no other form of dementia experienced mild to severe depression up to three years after their spouse had died.

In general, women caregivers experience depression at a higher rate than men

It is known that in an effort to provide the best possible care for a family member or friend, caregivers often sacrifice their own physical and emotional needs, and the emotional and physical experiences involved with providing care can place a severe strain on even the most capable person. Feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness, isolation, and exhaustion can exact a heavy toll.

I am always surprised to read how common the feelings of guilt are among caregivers.

Symptoms of Depression.

--A change in eating habits and/or unwanted weight gain or loss.
--A change in sleep patterns.--Too much sleep or not enough.
--Feeling tired all the time.
--Losing interest in people and/or activities.
--Easily agitated or anger.
--Feeling that nothing you do is good enough.
--Thoughts of death or suicide.
--Ongoing physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain.

Recommendations on Treatment for Caregiver Depression from the National Institute of Mental Health:

--Set realistic goals.
-- Break large tasks into small ones.
--Try to be with other people and confide in someone.
--Participate in activities that may make you feel better; exercise, movies, sporting events, nature activities, attending a religious, social or community event.
--Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately. Feeling better takes time.
--Postpone important decisions until depression has lifted

For your health and the health of those around you, take some time to care for yourself-- seek a mental health professional, use respite care relief, use positive self talk, and stay active. All these can help to improve your sense of well-being.

Good luck! –

Dateline Exposes Predatory Senior Insurance Scams

Dateline NBC just aired a show where they went undercover to investigate unscrupulous business practices in sale of retirement investments. Their target: vulnerable, trusting senior citizens with nest eggs and fear of financial insecurity.

The show revealed insurance agents attending "boot camps" where they learn How to Manipulate and Mislead Seniors 101". There, certified insurance sales agents are being taught questionable tools of the trade.

As I watched the show, I recall an episode, a few years ago where my Mom had to involve her bank to free herself from such a "scam" she had been swindled into from a former bank employee, whom she trusted.

The model for success includes securing potential clients’ trust by pretending to bond with them over a free meal. Obviously, they understand how compelling a free meal is to seniors. On the show, the agent advertised a free steak dinner and attracted a sizable crowd, a captive audience of prey. They repeatedly insist they are not there to sell, yet, their entire behavior is predatory and aggressive.

Their first step is to trigger clients' fear and ignorance of banking safety, interest, the IRS, fear of nursing home and Medicaid seizure of assets, and hefty medical expenses. They even convince them The FDIC is an unsafe and uncertain institution that will not protect their funds. Experts revealed no one has ever lost FDIC protected funds. Then, they casually offer a pot pourri of "risk free" products guaranteed to grow in value. They showed us a training manual in which the trainer tells agents to sell to seniors by assuming they're “selling to a 12-year-old" and by hitting their “fear, anger or greed buttons."

Many of these agents are selling a relatively new kind of investment: the "equity indexed annuity.” It’s a legitimate investment for some people, and sales have soared because insurance companies market them as a safe place to invest. They're called "indexed" because they're tied to the stock market such that they grow if stocks rise. They claim the best part is if stocks go down, the insurance company guarantees you won't lose.

What they don’t tell you is this instrument ties up a large chunk of the clients next egg for 10 to 15 years, not good when life expectancy is 78. Also, there are stiff penalties of 15-20% for early with drawl. Importantly, the agents hide the early withdrawal penalty feature during their sales pitch. They avoid adressing the question by changing the subject and offering additional products.

In the meantime, the agents earn attractive commissions on the sale of these products.

The show featured several hidden camera interactions between seller and senior prey (typically in their 70s) in their homes. In each case, the predators mislead potential clients. In one case, once the journalist revealed the hidden cameras, the agent cursed him for not warning him about hidden cameras.

Fortunately, many states attorney generals are investigating these cases of manipulative, deceitful practices against the elderly and there are multi-state task forces investigating the possibility of fraud in the sale of retirement investments to seniors. In many cases, the insurance carriers are forced to pay refunds plus interest. Other lawsuits are pending against such insurance companies nationwide.

Married 64 Years Today!

Warning Signs of Driving Problems

What are the warning signs that a person with dementia should stop driving?A single occurrence of poor driving usually is not cause for a person to stop driving. It does, however, signal the need for increased monitoring and assessment.

Warning signs of driving problems include:

Decrease in confidence while driving
Difficulty turning to see when backing up
Riding the brake
Easily distracted while driving
Other drivers often honk horns
Incorrect signaling
Difficulty parking within a defined space
Hitting curbs
Scrapes or dents on the car, mailbox or garage
Increased agitation or irritation when driving
Failure to notice activity on the side of the road
Failure to notice traffic signs
Trouble navigating turns
Driving at inappropriate speeds
Not anticipating potential dangerous situations
Uses a "copilot"
Bad judgment on making left hand turns
Near misses
Delayed response to unexpected situations
Moving into wrong lane
Difficulty maintaining lane position
Confusion at exits
Ticketed moving violations or warnings
Getting lost in familiar places
Car accident
Failure to stop at stop sign or red light
Confusing the gas and brake pedals
Stopping in traffic for no apparent reason

Families need to consider the circumstances and seriousness of unsafe driving practices to decide whether to continue monitoring, modify driving or stop driving immediately.

see previous post for free online guide to help balance safety with independance.

Elder Driving Cessation-Free Online Guide

Easing the Transition from Driver to Passenger is a guide, published on line by The Hartford, to helping individuals with Alzheimer’s reduce the need to drive. See: http://www.thehartford.com/alzheimers/easing_transition.html

Here are suggestions from The Hartford on balancing independence with safety:

For Drivers with Dementia:

The following tips can help people with dementia ease the transition from driver to passenger:

-Confide in a friend or family member about what driving means to you. Help them understand what you have to give up when you stop driving.
-Work with your family to create a transportation plan that meets your needs.
-Consider the Agreement with My Family about Driving (available on The Hartford website http://www.thehartford.com/alzheimers/agreement.html) as a way to balance your independence with safety.
-Volunteer to be a passenger. Allow others to do the driving.

For Caregivers:

The following tips can help caregivers who are struggling to decide when to limit or stop driving privileges for a person with dementia:

-Imagine for a moment your own life without driving. Allow your relative with dementia to express how he or she feels about not driving.
-Initiate conversations about driving and transportation needs early and often.
-Observe the person with mild dementia when driving.
-Keep a written record of observable driving behavior over time.
-Share observations of unsafe driving with the person with dementia, other family members and healthcare providers.
-Create opportunities for you or others to drive the person with dementia.
-Ask professionals outside the family to raise questions about driving safety.
-Get information about driving evaluation services in your state or region.

AARP Caregiver Online Support Group

After watching last night’s informative and moving PBS special on Caring for Parents, I joined the AARP online discussion forum.

Here is one conversation:

I watched the PBS special last night with my husband, and it certainly struck a chord. My Mom and Dad moved up to be near us 4 years ago, but we were both totally unprepared for the emotional challenges. Dad passed away last year, and Mom is still living alone near us. While I feel blessed that we are in a position to care for her, it is so difficult to watch her diminish. There is no durable power of attorney, no living will, no health care proxy. She refuses to go to the doctor (although I was successful to at least get to talk to the doctor) so unsure as to what level of dementia or what the source is, but it is clear that she is losing brain function. We think it may be a series of small strokes. I lover her, and just want her to be happy, but it is often like walking in a mine field as I try to get things done. Anyway, I digress. There is a caregiver group near us, but my work schedule and my time spent caring for Mom have prevented me from going as much as I need. I am hoping this forum will help to alleviate some of the loneliness and desparation I sometimes feel. Well, that certainly sounds desparate enough.


My reply:


Dear Fellow Caregiver

I found many parts of the PBS special to be moving. They touched on most of the major issues associated with caring for parents including financial; sibling rivalry; parental resistance; the pain and denial in watching parents decline; Alzheimer’s difficulties navigating health care; grieving losses; strained marriages; female caregiver overload (primary caregivers, full time employees, teens at home, housekeeping, husband, meal preparation, in-law caregiving etc) , anger and resentment etc. They also touched on the joy of doing the right thing---even with those who had less than perfect relationships with their parent (s).

I am a solo long distance caregiver for my invalid parents for 3 years now.

Go to your local Area on Aging Agency and consult all consult your state and city’s department on aging/senior services. It is time consuming but it will pay off if you leave no stone unturned.

I wish you all the best.

Karla

Tele-Support Groups Are Now Available

The Chicago Department of Senior Services has joined forces with the Salvation Army to offer tele-support groups for caregivers. Caregivers can call in twice a month and share their experiences, frustrations, and knowledge with each other

Research has shown that sharing feelings with others who were in a similar situation can reduce stress, increase self-esteem, and improve relationships with others. That is why support groups can be so valuable.

In order to participate in the tele-support groups, which are available the first and third Wednesday of every month from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. CST take the following steps:

Step 1: dial 1 -- 866 -- 212 -- 0875.
Step 2: enter pass code: 932974#
Step 3: share your name with the group

PBS World Premiere of Caring For Your Parents

On April 2, 2008 PBS will air a two-hour special produced and written by the award-winning filmmaker Michael Kirk that draws much-needed attention to this universal reality.

As the population ages, many adult children are grappling with an unprecedented social, cultural, economic, and personal revolution as they transition into the primary caregiver role for their aging parents.

The first part of Caring for Your Parents underscores today's struggle to keep parents at home, tensions between siblings, and the complexity of shifting caregiver roles through an intimate look at five American families. In the end, the documentary contends successful caregiving requires one primary ingredient: LOVE.

Immediately after the broadcast, NBC medical correspondent, Dr. Art Ulene leads a conversation about caregiving. This panel discussion offers concrete advice and guidance on how to start the conversation, which is them, which is often the most difficult step in caregiving.

I ordered yet another book on elder caregiving today

"Caring for Your Parents: The Complete Family Guide (AARP)"Hugh Delehanty; Paperback; $10.36

It gets great reviews!

Mom's Signature is Still Legible; Dad's is Perfect!

Mom Excercises With Physical Therapist

Moms new physical therapist, from Compassionate Home Care, used a variety of tools for Mom's physical therapy, including this stationary peddlar. I could use one of those!

End of Another 6-Day Chicago Caregiving Trip

Dad Celebrates 95 Years Today!

Film Maker Interviews My Dad About 1921 Tulsa Riot

Today, Harold Jackson, of Non-Filtered Productions will interview my Dad, Juanita, and me about the 1921 Tulsa Massacre. (see February 14 post.) Mr Jackson flew in from Pennsylvania.

Details will follow.

Karla Scott, My name is Harold Jackson with Non-Filtered Productions out of Pennsylvania. We are starting a documentary on the 1921 race riots in Tulsa. We are searching for survivors or decendants of survivors of that massacre. We would like to discuss having an on camera interview with you. Please contact me Harold Jackson as soon as possible at the information below. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

HAROLD JACKSON III

Karla,

I'm writing to tell you thanks for allowing me to talk with you and your family. You were a great deal of help and I don't think the project would be as good without your assistance. I hope you will be satisfied with the finished product. Thank you again and continued blessing for you and your family. Feel free to contact me with any questions.

Harold Jackson III
Non Filtered Productions

article about justice

by Barbara Palmer

Stanford Report, February 16, 2005 :

Harvard law professor and author Charles Ogletree Jr., a Stanford alumnus and former university trustee, sees himself as a student of history, he told members of the Black Pre-Law Society and others on Feb. 7.
So Ogletree was stunned to learn in 2002 about a 1921 race riot in Tulsa, Okla., which, by some estimates, killed hundreds of African Americans and by all accounts decimated a prosperous African American business district known as "Black Wall Street" in less than a day. It was the worst act of domestic terrorism ever perpetuated within the borders of the United States, the legal scholar said.
The district, called Greenwood, was home to black-owned banks, hotels and theaters and a black professional class, said Ogletree, who serves as counsel for the Reparations Coordinating Committee, which seeks reparations for the "contemporary victims of slavery and the century-long practice of de jure racial discrimination which followed slavery." For African Americans, Greenwood "was the mecca of all America," Ogletree said. "Hatred, bigotry and prejudice took it away in the blink of an eye," he said.
The obscurity of the 1921 riot is no accident, but the result of a decades-long "conspiracy of silence" so effective that until recently a former Tulsa mayor was unaware of the riot's occurrence, Ogletree told the Kresge Auditorium audience. And from 1921 until 2001, when a 185-page report on the riot commissioned by the Oklahoma state legislature was published, there was a "pervasive sense" that African Americans were the cause, rather than the victims, of mob violence, he said.Setting the record straight
By Ogletree's account, the spark that ignited the riot occurred after a 19-year-old black man named Dick Rowland entered an elevator in a Tulsa office building in order to find a bathroom open to him under the state's Jim Crow laws. In the elevator, he stepped on the foot of a 17-year-old white female elevator operator. She slapped Rowland, who fled the elevator. What happened next is "what happens in a Southern town," Ogletree said. "The reports were: 'Black man assaults white woman.' By evening it was: 'Black man rapes white woman.'"
According to the commission's 2001 report, Rowland was arrested and jailed at the Tulsa County courthouse, where shots later were fired between a white mob assembled in reaction to inflammatory news accounts of Rowland's arrest and blacks gathered to protect Rowland from lynching. A newspaper editorial that reportedly said Rowland's lynching was "likely" has disappeared from city and state archives. (The case against Rowland was later dismissed.)
As violence erupted, Tulsa police deputized and armed hundreds of white men and boys who traveled into Greenwood, where some joined a mob in shooting at residents and setting fire to black-owned businesses and residences. When the Oklahoma National Guard was called in to restore order, troops disarmed blacks and took thousands of African American residents into "protective custody" by mass arrest, leaving the neighborhood unprotected. Twenty-two square blocks—1,256 homes and virtually every other structure, including a library and hospital, churches and schools—lay in ashes the next day. The 2001 commission report concluded that it was impossible to determine the number of people killed in the riot, although it is probable that the dead numbered between 100 and 300.
A preliminary report issued in 2000 by the commission concluded that the race riot was the violent consequence of institutionalized racial hatred tolerated by federal, state, county and city police. Although the final commission report recommended that restitution be made to riot survivors and descendants, a state resolution for reparations failed.
Ogletree was among lawyers who in 2003 sued the Oklahoma governor and Tulsa mayor and chief of police in federal court on behalf of plaintiffs including more than 125 survivors, who ranged in age from 89 to 105 years. Lower courts denied the claim, saying that the statute of limitations had expired, and in December 2004, a federal appeals court voted not to grant a rehearing of the case. (Four of 13 judges dissented in the case.)
Ogletree plans to petition for a hearing of the case by the U.S. Supreme Court, he said. But whether or not the Supreme Court agrees to hear the case this year, "it is not going to go away," he said.
"The refusal to even consider meaningful remedy for these survivors is hard to understand," he said, citing the examples of reparations paid to Japanese interned during World War II and the recent apology and a $5 million scholarship fund in the state of Louisiana created by J. P. Morgan Chase following the discovery that its 19th-century predecessor banks had owned slaves that had been loan collateral.
The arrogance of opponents to reparations "takes our breath away," he said. "To think about a case where you have the evidence, you have the victims, you have the record and the argument is that it's too late," he said. "It makes our legal system a mockery and our justice system a sham.
"Until there is justice in Tulsa, there can be justice in no other place in America. We will fight with every legal, political and moral weapon we have."
Ogletree urged audience members not to focus on financial aspects of reparations. "It's really about justice. It's really about correcting the past. And it's really about trying to make sure as we move ahead as a nation that we really are one people, not many."

IRS

I prepared my parents’ 2007 income taxes this year in order to save money. I used popular income tax software to process, after manually working thru the numbers myself. As with last year, I signed the return for them with by Karla Scott. Last year, I had a former IRS CPA prepare their taxes. I prepared them in Miami and mailed it from Miami.

Well, they returned the forms to Chicago, with a note that the taxpayers must sign.

I don’t know why they did not accept my signature this year. Perhaps I should have written POA (Power of Attorney). I contacted the IRS to identify my options.

It seems they are twofold:

1) Complete a form 2848, Power of Attorney and Declaration of Representative Form. This form requires both their signatures, just as the 1040 does.

Or

2) Go online and print blank 1040 form. Manually redo page 2. Have them both sign. Attach to completed, Turbo Tax-typed form. Go back to post office today and mail from Chicago.

I decided to go with option #2 and have them sign their return.

I just realized the form says they had 20 days to resubmit. It has been more than 20 days since the IRS received the return on February 7.

I hope it will be accepted this time so we will not need to file an extension. The refund from Social Security can help to defray Mom’s high January hospital expenses.

House Full of Caregivers and Visitors

Today, Mom and Dad had a house full of visitors and helpers including three caregivers, a nurse, a physical therapist, a nurses' aid, a hospice minister, and of course, their daughter from Miami.

Tomorrow, their church pastor and two friends will visit.