Emotional Roller Coaster

Serving as long distance caregiver for parents in their 90s (for 2.5years) has given me such an emotional roller coaster ride. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are ping ponged around as I take one step forward and two steps back.

I experience such emotional highs and lows that I often don’t recognize myself.

Common emotional states that I bounce around are:

denial to acceptance
fear to hope
uncertainty to knowing
disgust to compassion
disillusionment to maturity
anger to forgiveness
depression to healthy grieving
anxiety to serenity

Sometimes my only respite is feeling numbness.

This visit bombarded me with countless “ping-ponging” moments.

--First, I met with funeral directors to explore pre-arranging funerals for my invalid parents who are in hospice.
--Then, I met with church officials to discuss funeral guidelines.
--Next, I met with obituary program printers to finalize program materials including scanning of photos and finalizing slide show/video show. I left a deposit. Of note, I began working on my mom’s obituary booklet two years ago, when the doctor told me repeatedly she was in critical condition.
--I spoke with several of Mom and Dad’s church friends and club members to gather input in to planning special funeral ceremonies. Of note, when I returned home, several of them had left messages on my answering machine.
--I located my Dad’s military discharge papers to help procure a flag for his ceremony. I've been told I will also be able to get a military grave marker. The funeral director says they will send out soldiers to fold his flag at the cemetery.
--I met with the funeral director I will use and she gave me quotes for a double funeral as well as individual funerals. I felt very protected by her and trust her implicitly. We attended the same grammar school and she is now president and CEO of the family business. She insisted that in addition to planning individual funerals, that we plan a double funeral. In her experience there is a great likelihood this will be the case.
--I notified all the caregivers of the funeral director to be contacted in case of emergency.
--I finally met the hospice physician. She came by to analyze my mother's open skin wounds.
--I spoke with a dear grade school and high school friend for hours. She came to visit us and she recommended the funeral director I selected.
--The hospice minister came by to visit my parents.
--I saw my parents come to life when a good church friend brought her poodles by for a visit.
--I met the CNA who bathes Dad twice a week.
--I met a substitute nurse who came to check on my parents.
--I selected caskets, flowers (white roses), musician, and outfits.
--Before I left, I set aside outfits for both mom and dad.
--I contracted pest control service. I was here while she ferreted out the problem.
--I found life insurance policies and contacted the underwriting company to determine the status.
--I hired repairmen to fix the clothes dryer.
--I bought my parents new comforter sets. The old ones had worn out.
--I agreed to sell the other car. It is possible that one of the caregivers will purchase it from us. It is a 94 Buick that has only 28,000 miles.
--I had good, long talks with all 4 caregivers.
--I made my parents room more senior friendly by moving more items down to the basement. Now, the door swings open and freely, and there is more room to maneuver.
--I was able to witness my dad finally using the portable commode.
--I created a plan of next steps in case of “emergency”. First on the list is contacting Reverend Miller at the church to determine his availability to perform a funeral.
--I paid bills and handled all correspondence.
--I gave emergency contact info for when I go to India (September 19-October 1).
--I was told my Dad is still officially in hospice because of his heart. Mom does not qualify.
--I got prescriptions refilled.
--I bought my Dad new slippers. (Actually, I bought them in Miami; the adjustable kinds with Velcro closures are difficult to find.
-- I arranged for my dad's name to be added to the weekly prayer list at St. Dorothy's. Mom's name has been listed weekly for 2 1/2 years.
--I bought a new cake that my Dad likes and eats daily now.

I feel serene knowing I have attended to the present and planned for the inevitable.

For now, my emotions are in check.