Are you prepared to handle THAT phone call?

I just received the kind of phone call that every long-distance caregiver of aging parents dreads:

The weekend caregiver called me at 7AM, her time, to inform me my Dad had just called her. He called her to inform her he had something to tell her. Yet, it can wait until she arrives at 9 a.m.

I was in the midst of refining a work project, early on a Sunday morning. Now, all I could do was panic!

The weekend caregiver assured me she would rush right over to assess the situation.

In the meantime, I called my Dad several times allowing the phone to ring for a long time. Because he never answered the phone, my panic intensified and I began to fear the worst possible scenario. As the caregiver pointed out, my Dad has never contacted her at home. I am surprised he even realized it is Sunday, and that it is her day to come in. This of course, alarmed me even more.

I needed to speak with someone to hear supportive words to calm me down, but it is so early---who could I wake up? I called a close friend here in Miami and left a message on her cell phone. I called a close family friend in Chicago, and she said she would pray for my parents in church.

I don't want to alarm anyone else, or awaken anyone but, I really need to be calmed down.

My heart began to race, I forgot how to breathe; I had to hold back the tears and spring into action. (This incident coincides with events in a novel I am reading called Namesake).

I decided I needed to say The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Then, I decided to do what I always do to calm myself down. I decided to write out a list of next steps. Just in case.

Here is my list. If you are a long-distance caregiver of ill parents, you might find it helpful to have your own action list for the occasion when you receive that phone call. When you receive the bad news, it is highly unlikely you will be emotionally fit to create a rational plan.

Action plan to implement when I receive that phone call:

§ Cancel all work appointments for the next three weeks
§ Contact the airline and purchase an open ended ticket
§ Rent a car
§ Contact my building’s office manager to notify them I will be away for several weeks.
§ Contact my postal carrier to ask them to hold my mail.
§ Pay all bills
§ Cancel all other appointments including my dentist appointment for a root canal tomorrow
§ Leave an outgoing auto reply message in my business web mail indicating I am handling a family emergency and away from the office, but will be checking e-mails periodically.
§ Pack all key records and documents including medical, legal, financial and all contact information. See my previous post (May 8) on planning. I provided a Family Documents Checklist. Importantly, pack everything I would need to plan a funeral (or two) and to live in Chicago for at least three weeks.
§ Contact Mom and Dad's closest Chicago friends
§ Contact my Chicago friends
§ Call the social worker from the elder care agency, to request additional hours of help for the remaining parent. (Currently, my Dad gets three hours a day and my Mom gets five hours a day, Monday through Friday. If one passes away, those hours will be lost).
§ Sync Palm Pilot
§ Pack all electronic equipment and chargers and accessories
§ Pack my binder of long-distance caregiving work
§ Disconnect telephone
§ Give set of house keys and car keys to a friend

Importantly, now is the time to record all of the phone numbers (right on this list) I will need to dial at that critical time. I will not want to scramble to find those contact numbers.

What did I learn from this situation?

What I realized, is that although you always know in the back of your mind you will receive that phone call, you can never be truly emotionally ready for it.

I also realized that I was much better prepared two years ago when my Mom was in and out of the hospital and nursing homes on a regular basis. Back then, she had been given a very short life expectancy, several times by her primary doctor. I had even gone to the obituary place and submitted photos and video to produce a DVD to be shown at my Mom's funeral. I had also purchased a funeral suit, and I had visited the funeral home of my Mom's choice. My Dad is unaware of just how dire my Mom’s situation was.

Until I received that phone call this morning, I did not realize just how ill-prepared I am to deal with that important event.

Thankfully, the weekend caregiver called me within the hour to tell me my Dad was concerned because my Mom was very disoriented. Otherwise, everything is okay! I breathed a long sigh of relief!

Dad is very disturbed when my Mom does not recognize her surroundings or her husband. That has been her pattern lately in the mornings. She snaps out of it pretty quickly, though.

I feel as though I have aged by at least five years. I don't want to look in the mirror to see the additional gray hairs this episode must have produced.

God bless you all! I must remember to breathe……………..