He Used to Die Our Easter Eggs

As I review the memories of my life, I am reminded my dad was always loving, caring, nurturing, helpful, and concerned with my welfare --always asking me what I needed and if I needed anything. As soon as I walked in the door, he would try to feed me; he worried when I was out after dark; he even walked out to the alley to watch over me as I drove the car into the garage, because it is dangerous there for women alone. I have such fond memories of him and decorating the house, indoors and out for Christmas; dyeing and decorating our Easter eggs; buying our favorite cereals, candy bars, and Popsicles; walking us to church on Sunday; and even doing all the gift wrapping, beautifully.

His other priority was pleasing my Mom. He prepared and delivered her meals on a tray, ironed her clothes, pumped fuel into her car, packed her suitcases, did all the grocery shopping, performed all household repairs, and attended to the lawn, giving us the most beautiful lawn on the entire block.

That dear man is gone. He has been replaced by an angry, demanding, critical, irrational person who knocks on the wall with his cane when his mind perceives there is a problem. All his needs are being met, round-the-clock by a dedicated team of caregivers; yet, he focuses on hypothetical negative events, fear of being homeless, and frustration with his non-responsive wife.

I am reading about Dr Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde syndrome among aging loved ones. Dad turned 94 this year. His condition will only get worse.

Although I began writing this book so that I could help others, I am amazed by the healing I am personally experiencing. What’s most amazing to me is I am feeling a whole new level of acceptance about my Dad’s condition. My Dad has been angry, resistant, and the core of many problems, because he is still trying to control his life and Mom’s life from his bed. His denial about my Mom’s, chronic physical and mental state has affected me deeply. He is frustrated and angry that he can no longer be the man of the house, performing all household tasks, including grocery shopping, gardening, and household repairs. He continues to try to direct the show, and he is often a logical in his efforts to maintain control. He misses his soul mate and playmate and longs for his robust and feisty wife to return to him. I just read that the #2 fear of elders (after $$issues) is no longer feeling needed. It is the root of much illness and depression.

My anger toward him is starting to melt away, because I am beginning to except he is really mentally ill; he is no longer himself; he is not responsible for his actions. He hurls his temper and verbal abuse at me not because he stopped loving me; he cannot control his actions and mood swings.

Sometimes when I am there, It is so difficult to be in his presence, because he repeats the same ideas over and over with no memory, and says things are certain way when they are not, and gets angry when he can not hear my response after I’ve repeated something more than 10 times.

He never remembers his bad behavior the next day, instead, he tells me how much he appreciates me and how happy he is I am there to care for them. He is always sad when I leave.

Last week, I watched an episode of ER (television drama) that featured a patient with Alzheimer’s disease, whose son died. The man was confused and had poor short-term memory. He even forgot his adult son had died. It was heartbreaking to observe his reaction and see him burst into tears when he realized his son had passed away. He felt helpless and powerless and alone.

My compassion for my dad and his condition grew even stronger after watching this episode.

I will be less inclined to take it personally when my dad attacks me verbally because I realize he is no longer himself.

One of the doctors on ER said the man with Alzheimer’s is lucky: he doesn’t have to remember losing his son, every single day.

I am so grateful that I can be there for my parents. They probably need me more than I even realize.

I’m looking forward to the next steps in this caregiving journey and to be of maximum service to my parents and my readers.